I just want to make it clear that I'm not going to name any people or give any information about where I was to protect the people in this story, as well as myself, because DAYM those Guidos were so roided up it was ridiculous.
I want to say that I didn't think that Guidos are real, never in my life have I seen one. I thought they were just mythical creatures from Youtube. I honestly didn't think they were real. I have always thought that a guido was just a derogatory term for an italian like spic or chink. Boy, was I wrong. They are fascinating creatures. As I continue sharing my experience, I wish to delve deeper into the Guido psyche.
Before I get to the good stuff, I'd just like to say how amazing the party host's house is. When first getting there I noticed a beautiful blanket of stars over the house like it was a canvas of a beautiful painting. Definitely something you don't see every day in Newark. It's three floors of balcony, a very sexy house. It isn't even finished and it looks better than anything I've ever been in. The basement was bigger than my lecture hall. It was so big they had a scooter in their living room.
First, I would like to explain a little about the Guidos.
Here's a little excerpt from UrbanDictionary (The first definition was an essay itself so I declined to use it because it was too big):
"The Guido is an entirely American phenomena, with its epicenter in the New York/ New Jersey metropolitan area. Although most of its examples are of Italian-American descent, manytimes other non-descript Caucasians will follow suit in an attempt to achieve an identity- in fact any identity. The Guido is highly recognizable by his attention to muscular development, status symbols, and regional dialect. Guidos are fortunate in that they usually tend to be loyal to their heritage and cultures."
My Observation of the Male Guido
The first thing I can see when entering the house I noticed how ridiculously large their muscles were. This one guy's arms were bigger than my head, and that's scary. They are definitely taking anabolic steroids, no doubt about it. Not to say that supplements are bad. I take protein when I work out, but I would never use steroids or creatine. Despite being the only asian in the house, It's probably valid to say I probably have a bigger penis than all the Guidos in the room combined.
You can smell the cheap cologne off of these guys, it was disgusting. When thinking of what a Guido may be, I picture popped collars and Hollister or American Eagle for some reason. But only Hollister was seen last night, the other Guidos were topless because they wanted to present their roided up bodies to the drunk, probably under-age, white girls in the room. Though there were some underlying things in common about their wardrobe; they wore their pants halfway off their ass so you can see their boxer-briefs, they wore really tight shirts (In this case, Wife-beaters if they weren't topless) and they wore their hats backwards/sideways.
The way the Guidos spoke was exactly as I imagined, retarded. Their speech was slurred despite not being drunk yet, and to make up for having small penises they all acted like they were tough. For example, when observing a male guido try to spark conversation with a probably underage female (I'll get to them later), "You mess with my hat, I'm going to give you two things, my left and right fist." He said this to a girl, I SHIT YOU NOT, assuming he was trying to impress her by showing he was as the alpha male. Speaking of alpha male, this one guido grabbed one of my friends and threatened to fuck him up because he thought the guy was lying about not having any cigarettes. Another thing that is noteworthy is the way they rapped to songs. They huddled together and did this weird gorilla dance while rapping, though it wasn't rapping at all. It was more of a.....telling of words. i.e. imagine a roided up gorilla reading a paragraph. Click Here to see an example of how they danced.
The Probably Under-Age Females
The females at the party were pretty retarded as well, for three reasons; They were probably under-age, they might be 18 but still in high school, and they were spoiled white trash. It's obvious how shallow they were considering how they followed the Guidos. Though they can't be entirely retarded because they stayed with each other, assuming because they were scared of being isolated and gang banged by the roided up guineas. The things that I saw last night only happens in the movies, girls aren't this stupid in college either. I missed my girlfriend so much last night. Did I mention they were probably under-age? I was the oldest guy in the house. I felt like I should have left thinking that I might be the one getting in deep shit if the party got raided.
The Topless Blunder
One very noteworthy female was in the basement playing flip-cup, a game in which you are supposed to drink a cup then place it on the edge of the table and flick it so it lands upside down. This was no ordinary game of flip-cup. It was a variation that included the losing team stripping off one piece of clothing. Not only did this ridiculous girl agree to play, she played alone. Not to mention, she started off by taking her belt off before starting. The guys she was playing against were definitely cheating, EVERYONE in the room could see it. She was even acknowledging that she saw that everyone was cheating, yet she still played.
Okay, considering my explanation, it's obvious that she lost. She got down to just her panties. (Sorry guys, no pictures) It's sad to say that they were the first pierced nipples I've ever seen. I would have wanted to see them on my girlfriend, if on someone. Though I think they are disgusting. Even at that point, SHE WAS STILL WILLING TO PLAY. It was a good thing her friend was there to try to stop her. She made the girl put on a button up shirt. Yes, she STILL tried to play afterwards. She ended up taking her panties off. Later in the night you could see her curled up like a cat puking in a bucket as well as gagging on the puke in her water cup.
Probably the Third Best Experience Ever.
Meeting my current girlfriend, the first. At this point I don't want to talk about guidos anymore. I don't want to think about them anymore either. As they are fascinating creatures, it's best to not think about them ever again. I picture WWE wrestlers when imaging the guido's physique, all roided up like gorillas. They obviously have no respect for girls and were just looking to get laid last night.
But I did do a lot of amazing things last night. Like climb up to the second floor balcony from the living room, twice. AND SOLVING A RUBIK'S CUBE. I HAVE NEVER SOLVED A RUBIK'S CUBE IN MY LIFE. I wasn't ridiculously trashed because of witnessing all that happened, it left me a feeling of shock and awe that I was literally one of the smartest people in the room.
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